eternity

2006-11-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

this is all im saying..im beginning to doubt my friendship with someone. i dont trust him anymore

2006-07-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

2006-07-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

cant seem to figure things out

2006-06-27T01:49:00.000-07:00

Funny how time flies.. its been two months since i graduated, my bestfriend came back, i am confused with what job im taking.. in short, my life is still a mess because time just flies and i cant seem to keep up..

im just holdin on to the message of the beatles' song: "There's nothing you can know that isn't known.Nothing you can see that isn't shown.NOWHERE YOU CAN BE THAT ISNT WHERE YOU'RE MEANT TO BE."

i am so worried and freaked out right now..

2006-03-25T17:54:00.000-08:00

Its been almost two years since I last cried my heart out like this..
I’m staring at my ceiling, thinking about nothing and feeling numb but tears continue to flow and my heart continues to beat fast and hard, like its going to leap out of my chest and get ripped right in front of me by an invisible hand.

This is how life tells me how dumb I have been and still am..

now im left with nothing..
My tears and my pain, its all my fault..

He doesn’t know that I start and end my day with the thought of him
He doesn’t know that I’m happy whenever I see him
He doesn’t know that I love the way his eyes smile every time he speaks
He doesn’t know that I’ll be the first one to cry because of his pain
He doesn’t know that my life revolves around him
He doesn’t know that he’s the reason I am

He doesn’t know that he made a girl’s heart cry last night..
He doesn’t know that the vagueness breaks my heart into pieces
He doesn’t know that I will have to cry for a long time to remove him from my system
He doesn’t know that I long for him despite my bitterness
he will never know..I will never let him knowHe will never know that I once loved him this much.. This is how life tells me how dumb I have been and still am..

just when i have figured out my wants and needs, thats when youwent aloof.. you're the one i want and need.. everythings just too vague, and that vagueness is killing me.. will i invest more or move on?!

2 in one

2006-01-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

New year!! No resolutions for me this year, I stopped hoping na tatangkad at papayat pa ko.. hehe joke lang, syempre meron.. I wouldn’t wait na mag new year bago ko mag evaluate sa sarili ko.. I have the whole year to change or do whatever.. Ayaw ko na new year ko lang pag-iisipan ang mga gusto ko baguhin sa buhay at sarili ko.. ok n b un? May isa pa pla, ndi na ko magiging maingay ever, kakalma at ngigniti ngiti na lang ako.. sana makaya ko.. may isa pa pla, ndi ko na papakialaman c gretel, for survival na lang talaga sya.. ndi rude ung gagawin ko, precautionary measure un.. hehe

Sana magkaron ako ng magandang trabaho, Para sa kin after my 4th year in college, my mom’s responsibility to provide for me stops and my responsibility as a daughter begins..
I want my mom to retire this year, she deserves more than what she’s getting now.. Convincing her to retire is a hard battle to win pero that’s a different story na.. She deserves a vacation and a comfortable life without her working her butt off..I promised her a vacation after my first year at work..basta, everytime na aalis kmi laging sya ang gumagastos at alam ko shopaholic ang mama ko before my dad left so ibabalik ko sya sa pagiging shopaholic nya, hehe.. basta pampering to the max ang gusto ko.

Random thought: Ate map give me a year at dadalaw ako dyan, I promised mama na I-ttreat ko sya ng isang bakasyon e, ako ang magbabayad ng buo, niloloko kc nya ko na malamang issubsudize pa rin daw nya un.. basta nxt summer dyan kami, mag-iipon ako.. Lord bigyan nyo po ako ng magandang job, pls po.

___________________________
no progress sa thesis ko.. independence to the nth level kmi sa thesis advisers namin nina rocker at netnet, which is both good and bad...
seperation anxiety... again..
in the span of 2 weeks, my blockmates and i had 2 "parties" (aj's then josh' haus) which turned more into a showdown between rocker and kae kung cno ang mas madaming mainom, cool cla malasing.. as in masaya cla at malutong magmura.
i love my block, theyre good friends (with one exception, of course); we can talk about anything under the sun, from silly stuff to life-changing topics..
ang pinagsisishan ko, bat ngaun lang kmi nagkaganito? eversince naman we know that we can have fun pero wala lang talagang nagyaya, we know that there's something special sa min, sayang ung panahon.. (ang drama)basta they're the bunch na i'm proud na nakilala ko and i hope that the bond stays even after we leave school.. weird, i miss them already, at iniisip ko pa lang to..

unknown

2005-12-23T05:47:00.000-08:00

i like solitude.. i've always appreciated my time alone, but i sometimes take it to an unlikely level.. im 2 days home alone. my mom went to pampanga and i chose not to go with her, my brother is at work and i dont think he'll be coming home for christmas eve. My mom will be back on the 25th before the morning breaks.. my cousins invited me to their place to spend the next two days with them, but again i turned them down.. my bestfriend jb even invited me too batangas para dun mag noche buena, pero weird un kasi family reuniion nila un, i would look like his gf, haha..weird tlaga..
it became a part of me.. i was figuratively alone for the first 11 years of my life and after thmy 11th year it became both figuratively and physically most of the time. i dont hate it, i actually like it.. i look for it.. i always wanted my time alone, doing nothing, just staring at thin air, watching dvds, listening to music or walking around.. it actually feels rejuvenating, i feel like im ready for a new week or for school.. its not sad for me, and that is why its weird..
my mom promised that will have fun on the 25th while continuously asking me why the heck do i want to stay at home, she cant believe that i dont really mind. this is my time.. :)

after a long time

2005-12-16T19:40:00.000-08:00

i got may wish for christmas!!! dalawa pa... nice thing about it, e nanggaling un sa mga closest friends ko.. ang fun!!
i asked the magic8ball (the other one) tungkol sa isang tao, at consistent ang mga sagot nila..is he gay? "signs point to yes".. magiging kami b pag ligawan ko sya? 'it is certain".. tanga b c shana? " yes, definitely".. db?!?!?!?! nakakainis?!?!?!?!
Fun ung christmas party namin sa polis, tinatamaan nanaman ako ng seperation anxiety at 3 months pa before grad,ano mangyayari pag february na?!

polsci eto

2005-11-11T23:00:00.000-08:00

You are a
Social Moderate
(56% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(30% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Democrat

Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Back from outerspace

2005-10-30T20:12:00.000-08:00

Hi back from dumaguete.. it was the best tournament for upmdc (pero may susunod pang masmaganda).. 6 out of 7 teams broke (kasama kmi ni josh J), 5 out of 5 adjes broke at 2 teams sa finals.. dapat talagang motto ng mga tao ay Have Fun..
Na realize ko na C arneo prospect ay malaking version ni AD.. ang cute nya nung natapilok sya sa gutter, ang laki nyang tao tapos natapilok sya! cute
Ngaun lang ako nagka PTS (post tournament syndrome).. cguro dahil I feel like im part of the org dahil nakakausap ko na lahat ng tao dun at kahit papano may nangyari naman sa team at sa org namin.. hinahanap hanap ko ang poker, ang roommates ko (sa resort at sa boat), at ang kulitan.. Namimiss ko na ang mga unstable moments sa superferry, ang saya ng boat ride na un..Na realize ko (at cguro ng iba pang tao) ngaung ndc na kung gusto namin magkaron ng finalist, magkakaron.. if we want to be seen as a threat sa debates, we can make ourselves one..
Ang org ko na to ay nagpa-xperience sa kin ng ndi ko ma-eexperience in any other org, kya I will surely treasure the moments that I spent with them.. first time out of the country—Singapore, first time out of Luzon—dumaguete, sila ang kasama ko..late nights to early mornings na trainings at “fats”, sila pa din..
May last sem in UP; may last sem as a student, last sem as a debater, pero im just beginning to enjoy and appreciate everything, kung kelan its all coming to an end.. eto ung panahon na gusto kong slow motion na lang ang next 5 months..

Random thought: CS pla ko this sem.. eto ay sign na im enjoying school ngaun. JHappy birthday. I hope you get everything you need ngaung 21st year mo, kahit c dlsu girl.. sana I get to know you better kahit friends lang tau, kc ngaun I’m not even sure that we are friends or mere acquaintance lng.

2005-10-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hi.. going to dumaguete on Friday, will be back on the 29th..
14 is in laguna now with THE girl.. don't really care that much anymore (or don't want to care)
27 didn’t show up.. contrary to the previous statement, I care..
I’m beginning to accept that 27 and I can never be an “us” (yup I like him that much khit ndi ko maamin sa friends ko)..asa stage ako na masaya na kong nakikita ko sya at ang ultimate happiness ko ay pag kinakausap nya ko, naka adjust na un at sana matanggap ko na un as soon as possible.
Believe it or not, im going to watch a movie with someone this Thursday.. its time to give him a chance again, its been 2 years since we last went out.. my mom cant stop talking about him every week, “he’s a fine boy”, “he’s nice”,”bat ba ndi mo sya kinakausap,ano bang nangyari?!”.. movie muna, natatakot ako na ndi na ganun ung connection namin. At ang hesitation ko ay dahil gusto sya ng mama ko.. weird I know, un ung wini-wish ng mga couples db?! Abnormal talaga ata ako.Random Thought: (song) Dream about you… at 2 weeks na ata ung last fone call ni rj, kelangan I-check ang blog nya to see kung ano na nagyari sa modeling career nya. hehe

2005-10-14T05:39:00.000-07:00

Got into misunderstanding with 14 this week.. I hate this, alam mo ung in between? ndi mo alam kung ano ba talaga.. worse, this is the stage when u don't know kung meron ba talaga or nag iimagine ka lang na meron.. gets?
The polsci org I’m part of was supposed to have an outing last Friday which was cancelled.. A friend of mine told me that 14 was going with the them sa outing nila at syempre freak out ako, overnight un kasama ng crush ni 14! Errr at wala akong bawi moment kc wala na kming outing.. then he txted me na there was a possibility that we will to go to laguna ng tues for the org thing. The org outing evolved into a block outing and to make the story short, he chose the other group’s tagaytay kaysa sumama sa min.. frustrating……………y did both the outings fall on the same day?!
Ndi ko sya pinansin the whole day pero I realized na non sense na ang ginawa ko kaya I txted him and apologized. He said that he was relieved by my text, na he was worried na upset ako and he made me promise na ndi ko na sya tatarayan ever.. (weird) babawi daw sya sa block nmin, nakapag yes na daw kc sya sa kabila matagal n..
14 made me promise before na I will never get drunk (1 san mig light lang dapat at as much as possible tanggalin ko un sa sistema ko). He made me promise na I will never smoke, kahit try holding a cigarette dahil sa curiousity.. and I want to break the promises nung nyt before kami naging ok ulit..actually I broke one of it JRandom thought: sino kaya makakapasok ulit sa pinoy big bro?! hehe

2005-10-09T00:51:00.000-07:00

the pain is too much na ayaw ko na..

is this me?

2005-10-06T23:55:00.000-07:00

I get so weak when you look at me, I get lost inside your eyes…mymp

My body is floating, I can’t feel anything aside from my eyes sore from the past nights
I find myself in my room and suddenly im in the kitchen, no transition and no in-betweens
All I can think about is I like this guy, after five seconds “I just cant have him”. And I stop, stare at thin air and float again.
Fight for what you feel.. I want to.. I really do, I cry myself to sleep wanting to fight for it
But im so damn conservative and I cant converse (and obviously flirt) with this particular guy! Just with this particular guy..
Umuurong at umaatras ang lahat ng bagay sa kin pag sya ang nakikita at kausap ko.. May wit naman ako khit papano and im a social person pero when it comes to him, im nothing (I become nothing); an ordinary gal and nothing more..
I literally get lost inside his eyes.
I had my moments of being a non-conservative, but not “gretel” liberated. I can flirt around but I choose the people I flirt with.
Either I flirted with those guys coz I saw some mutual thing or I didn’t like them much, na ano mang mangyari (outright rejection or mutual flirting) ay walang epekto sa kin, ung parang itutulog ko lang wala na.
With this guy, im scared to converse and try to flirt because I know I cant take outright rejection from him, I like him and I cant doze off any negative thing that might happen if I risk flirting with him.. I’m going to float and cry for a long time if that happens..
I was able to “converse” with him almost after a year na nakilala ko siya, dun ko lang nababanggit ang pangalan nya.. And anything negative would send me back to that or way beyond pa that stage.. kaya parang gusto ko nang ma satisfy sa kung asan ako ngaun. Pathetic! Pero it’s a more secure place to be in..

Even if I felt and feeling ALL shitty things that can possibly be felt by someone who’s patiently waiting, I still go on hoping. Stupid, yes; infatuated, maybe..

lets just prolong the fall, cause I don't think I can take the pain now. I know that Death is an inevitable end.. Ako ba to?!
Random thought: Hay naku gretel sana makapagpigil pa ko sau..bka maihulog kita somewhere na ndi ka na makakabalik e.. Ayaw ko na I-connect ang mga bagay bagay sa kanya, she has something that I don't have..confidence. and I have to find some way para magkaron ako nun. If she’s using it to get close to him, I cant do nothing, I just have to fight back (kung mafigure out ko na kung pano). What pisses me off is the fact that she knows I like the guy at tuloy tuloy pa din sya.. ewan ko ba kung bat ako nagkaron ng friend na ganyan..pang ibang entry na ung kaepalan na ginagawa nya sa mga tao.

2005-09-22T12:27:00.000-07:00

Your Birthdate: April 13

Being born on the 13th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer, but it may also give you a tendency to dominate people a bit. You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize. Sincere and honest, you are a serious, hard working individual.
Your feeling are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times. You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details. Your intolerance and insistence on complete accuracy can be irritating to some.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

2005-09-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

this morning, binawi ng mama ko ung dumaguete trip ko this october.. ganito lang un, ayaw nya ko pumunta at kung gusto ko pumunta, i need to find my own money.. nakakainis nakakainis talaga.......errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...... ironic pa kc sinabi nya while i was preparing to go to school para sa tryouts ng debate.. ung pagkaaksabi nya p, ung tipong ndi na talaga magbabago isip nya...

2005-09-11T21:15:00.000-07:00

asa alva nanaman ako for lanmchek report...
kung last week i was sure about him ngaun ndi na.. nakita ko nanaman kc c ano e... grabe gusto ko talaga ung ltaong un, ibang lebel.. khit nung fri ko lng sya ulit nakita at wala pang 3 oras, ibang lebel... ay eawn kc naman c guy2, daming humahabol e ayaw ko nga ng ompetition db?! bast carry ko to.. cge mag lib p ko.

2005-09-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

Asa alva ako ngaun, kakatapos ko lang (kami pla ni josh) gumawa ng outline for lamchek kc wala pa sa sarili si ian (literal!)....
i dont know if im on the rebound basta ang alam ko masaya ko pag nakikita at nagttxt sya sa kin.. (ndi c josh ha, some guy sa school)I really didnt see it coming, nawala yung srainer ko... bad trip ako last friday pero nung nagtxt sya para mag gudnyt nawala ung lhat ng inis ko. Actually nakalimutan ko ung problema ko.. sheyet!!........ sya ung feeling mo na lagi andyan and assured ka na ndi ka nya ppabayaan kahit nao pang mangyari...
haaaay, strainer ko nawawala... weird kc simple gudnyt text messages make me blush.ERRRR...

2005-08-28T22:20:00.000-07:00

Ei rj thanks for calling! i needed a break (a 6minute break to be exact, hehe)..
I dont know what to do na talaga, someone is getting into my nerves and my dreams, in a very negative manner. naiinis na talga ko sa kanya.. parang dine-dare nya lagi ung sarili nya na makukuha nya ang kahit anong gusto ko to prove sa sarili nya na mas magaling sya sa kin or sa lahat ng friends nya. Nakakainis na tlaga sya!
Isipin na nga lang daw na friends kami at we (me and the other people pissed off na sa knya) wont think of it anymore and make it a reason for us to move away from he
Subukan lang nya kunin ang something from me, iiyak and mag wwish talaga sya na sana ndi na lang sya nagpaka close sa kin! ERRRRRRRRRRRR

isang bagsakang update

2005-08-27T06:10:00.000-07:00

Aug 27,2:30am ERRR
Shit happened again. Yung nangyari ba knina ay isang sign to give up on him?! Errrrrrr, sh!t.

Aug 25, 11:30pm Pseudo bf
I have a boyfriend for a week, orgmate ko sa polis. Haha lakas magtrip, biruan lang un.

Aug 22,11:40pm Bad trip
Intl law exam is finished na. kung kelan nag-aral k, dun lumalabas ung tipo ng questions na masmadali kung ndi ka nag-aral at mas mahirap kung nag-aral ka talaga. Gets? Sa sobrang haba ng scope ng inaral mo, ndi mo na ma focus and sarili mo sa lahat ng bagay, at kung ano ung ndi mo dinibdib na topic un ung lumalabas.. Errrrr talaga.. Sana makapasa ko/kmi, I aadjust naman daw ni sir ung passing depende sa highest score, duhh and cmates namin dun ay out of this world people, magka connect sila sa weirdness ng international law..

Aug 16, 2:00am Stuck on you
Sh!t really happens, kahit akala mo na you planned it all, something goes wrong. These past few days, ive been trying so hard to get something that I’ve always wanted since last year, but fear for that particular thing made me think twice and I moved to another thing that’s more comfortable and less stressing.
But shit happens and I cant avoid the one thing that ive always wanted and have been pushing backward sa consciousness ko for the past year, bigla na lang syang nag-appear ulit.
Pero shit happens, lagi masaya sa umpisa pero when you look at the whole incident with him, I got nothing and “us” was nowhere in sight, and “us” was what I’ve always wanted (not in the present tense kc in denial pa ko na tanga ko sa pag-asa sa wala) Nag reregress pa nga ata e, parang ndi kami nag cconnect and we end up in total silence. Everytime I make a move to strike a conversation, I always feel na I suck kya I’ll go and make people think that I like someone else, defense mechanism kumbaga. I don't know, shit always happens, pero I still continue to try every time I see him. Ndi nga nya napapansin ung effort ko e.
I want to give up but I cant. This is Sh!t. I see him looking at other girls, enjoying conversations with them, he doesn’t seem to know that I exist. Even if I felt and feeling ALL shitty things that can possibly be felt by someone who’s patiently waiting, I still go on trying and hoping. Stupid, yes; infatuated, maybe; unreasonable, I don't think so. Just falling in an abyss. That’s stupid kc I know I’m dead pag bagsak ko.
I want to stop now, but the only thing that can make me stop involves so much emotion: pain or bliss.. Bliss is out of the question, it’s close to impossible, call me pessimistic but with the way things are going its safer to be a pessimist, SHIT happened/ is happening. And I don't want pain, lets just prolong the fall, cause I don't think I can take the pain now. I know that Death is an inevitable end but I cant die now..

entry

2005-08-19T01:11:00.000-07:00

Hi! just finished my midterm exam for intl organizations’ class, and it was frustrating… but on the brighter side, natuto ako dahil sinuyod ko ung ibang readings sa klse na un, at kampi na ko sa Palestine sa Israel-palestine conflict. Hehe.. nxt exam is on Monday, public intl law, ganda pakinggan ng subjs ko this sem noh?! International!!! J..may wrong grammar sa last entry ko, basta lalake ung tinutukoy ko dun, him dapat un ndi her… hehe

Funny, I lost in a bet knina against kae.. kc these past few days, sobrang lagi kming late sa mga usapan nmin so we thought of a consequence pag late ka, manlilibre ng lunch.. unfortunately kae does her best to be on time if something’s at stake, at ako naman tinamad dahil inisip ko na male-late naman sya--- at ndi, on-time sya at late ako! Bukas Babawi ako!!!!!!!

In just 2 days I saw the extremes of TAO’s personality. He looks different ngaun, he chose nice mellow songs sa videoke (nice as in nice pare ibang lebel) at ngayon naman bumalik ang takot ko sa kanya. He was cool at calm at first but when he shouted na, I felt his anger and frustration, I literally wanted to burst into tears and leave the room khit iba ung ka-argue nya nun, ganun katindi ung tension na nailabas nya, abot sa ibang tao.. Bumalik ung takot ko sa kanya. At takot talaga ko sa kanya ngaun.

Note: RJ, nagtxt na c boni after I sent him a “threat text”, something about me not being friends with him after we lost contact, finals week daw nya (busy sya)..

no title

2005-08-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

weird...

two of my closest friends are guys, not that weird nowadays right. but the weird thing is one of them is in LA and the other one is in Las-Pinas. I have not spoken to one of them, guess who? the one from Las Pinas, wake up call JB!! asa vito cruz ka lang pare everyday. Rj even called me from LA last week..

I was in a questionable state the past 2 weeks, confused that is.. I dont even know whats wrong, bigla na lang akong gusting umiyak.. ewan sana ma get over ko to.. hell week this week and my past week became a hell week din dahil nag prepare ako for hell week, gets? hirap ng life.. sana i pass 199, pero bago yun sana makapasa ako sa midterms ko sa intl organizations sa tues at sa public intl law next tuesday..

JB wake up! asa earth ka p b?!

I'm willing to wait for him, i really like him. I got so insecure when i saw his girlet nung gig nila, kahit basted sya dun, i still think na ung nambasted has power over binasted. At sa nakita kong reaction nung girl while he was playing, ndi malayo na balikan nya sya. Errrrr...

2005-08-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Concentration is one thing that I don't have……
I have not seen nor txted IT for the past week.. An almost impossible scene if you knew my state 2 weeks ago, an infatuated me. I decided to just get him out of my system as fast as I can after I saw IT with a girl and my friend saw IT again with a different girl the following day, how frustrating: if they are not gays, they’re sh!ts. I completely changed my sked just to avoid it, and im loving my new sked.
On Saturday, I’ll be completing my “transformation”. I’ll not be waiting for ITs anymore. Bhla na, magpapakasaya na ko sa huling araw ko sa kolehiyo noh! I’ll get a haircut tom, I got my eyebrows “shaped” by a make-up artist nung grad pic ko, mag-iinuman kami ng friends ko sa sabado ng gabi at manonood ako ng concert next Friday. Excited na ko sa coming week, a week without IT just me and my friends!
No more searching, I’ll just wait..

sa wakas..update

2005-07-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

Ei im updating my blog!…. The past week was beyond description but yesterday was, by far, the worse day of my life.. I don't know why, but everything went wrong. First, I had a weird lunch that caused me to feel like throwing up all day, actually I did throw up before my class (witnessed by my good friend jelai). Second, I went to Rob to buy a pair of sandals and earrings. I was supposed to dress girlie this week to eliminate the growing joke in one of my orgs that I was bisexual and im out preying for younger women. Girlie sandals were not available, I mean no size 7. and when jelai and I were on our way to the rob tiangge, we saw the orgmate that’s been bothering me with his jokes of me being lesbian. He was with 3 other orgmates who in turn, made fun of me too. They were saying that I was in a date with jelai, ang fun noh?! I really don't know why closet gays don't get issued, tapos ung straight pa ung napagkakamalan. Pati ung crush ko nakiki-ride pa, ay ewan.. kung pwede lang syang sigawan ng “alam mo ang tanga mo! Walang kapantay! Halikan kita dyan e”.. Tinanong ko naman c pseudo-lovelife, ndi naman daw, napaka “girlie” nga daw ng ugali ko e; well you cant trust that guy, pseudo lovelife nga db?!.. Pasensya defense mechanism ko ung maging one of the boys e kaya I don't dress up. third bad thing, I found out that the comsci guy I was “befriending” was gay, at may ranking pa sya ng guy cmates nya in terms of potential papas! You can never know kahit na nagfflirt sya sau, malaking possibility na bading pa din sya and he doesn’t know that I know, a concerned friend told me lang—he’s one of the few people who knows.. Additional gay friend again, ang fun na ng life ko noh! and last bad thing na nangyari, walang dinner sa bahay pag-uwi ko at running wild ang dog ko sa garahe at garden ng nanay ko, nawalan talaga ako ng lakas… umiyak na lang ako sa kwarto ko.. I felt really weak, not to mention hopeless.

Aside from those dreaded things, I was kinda crying in the lib for a couple of minutes.. I don't know, I felt really weird for a moment. I miss a friend. I was looking for someone to talk to para mawala sa isip ko ung mga problema ko, my other friend is always busy with school and the other one is abroad. Tapos certain people are pushing me to the edge in a pathetic attempt to change my sexual preference, but they cant do anything: I’m a straight girl looking for a straight guy.. I miss my friend already, no phone calls for me for the next two years… kya blog pare!

Hay Naku

2005-02-18T18:05:00.000-08:00

One of my closest friends (dalawa lang naman cla e) texted me this afternoon.. What was his txt all about?! uhmm there's a possibility daw na mag migrate na cla papunta sa US.. Nice text db?!hapon na Hapon pinapaiyak ako?! Pare, I consider you as one of my bestfriends (ok lang kahit ndi mo i acknowledge) and just the thought of not talking to you anymore at ndi nakita maasar, makes me feel really sad.. Emails are different from phone calls e.. Ewan, The idea of you leaving just gave me shivers.. I know na possibility lang un pero, slim to none ung chance that your petition will be disapproved e.. Sabi ko na nga ba there's something na mali this week e, you didnt call me since nung Saturday.. Kelangan ata nito ng "moment".. You leaving for L.A. is inevitable but its too soon,ndi ba pwede i-delay? Wala lang.. Utoldmeto updatemy blog, and i did.. Ironic kc its aboutyou!pa importante ka talaga ever!!!!! joke.. Lam mo naman na kahit saaang lupalopka pa ng earth,WE will support you pa din.. Kitakits!!!

wala lang

2004-11-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

yaw ko pa talaga pumasok.... haaayyyyyyy

SAAN MASMAGANDA mag practicum?

2004-11-08T22:30:00.000-08:00

Practicum, haaay.. summer (mid april-mid may) of 2005 yan, 100 hours ata ang required na i-trabaho mo dun.. Saan ako?
Sa SENATE (with lito lapid and bong revilla, not to leave ping lacson and jamby madrigal behind with the very famous mother-son tandem of loi and jinggoy; build connections ang drama dito for 2 months para sa future pag may friend kang di binigyan ng kahit anong uri ng permit ng gobyerno, may panlaban k!!! meet the aspiring presidents and vice-presidents),
sa DFA (sino ba prominent people dun or interesting thing dito?! Meron b? Uhmm c sec. Romulo at mga latest news ng hostage takings sa Middle East at papasabuging countries ng U.S.? On the road to the United Nations—malaki sahod dun; passport lang naman ata ang pina-process dito e, foreign relations chuva ng Phil, tsaka magbibilang ng OFW’s na umaalis every year);
sa MALACANANG (kung saan ikukulong ka lang nila sa staff room at swerte mo kung Makita mo from afar si Pres. Arroyo na bumababa sa historical stairs kung saan manikluhod na nakiusap ang nanay ni rizal sa gobernador-heneral na wag sya bitayin?! At wag kalimutan ang masasagap na impormasyon sa tunay na kalagayan ng married life ni pres.Arroyo at ang air coming from the Pasig River);
sa organisasyong tulad ng ANAKBAYAN, BAYANMUNA at lahat ng katibakan ( makikilala ko ang mga ka uri ng Satur Ocampo at Etha Rosales, makikibaka ng 2 buwan para sa pantay na pagtingin mula sa gobyerno, masmatatas na pasahod etc chuva?; learn how to socialize sa different people with different backgrounds ang lesson dito)..

Kung pwede lang sana to I-skip at magpakasaya na lang ako ng summer, ngaun pa lang kelangan ng isipin kc mageenlist na kami e.. Buhay polsci nga naman, napakadynamic.. Help

2nd sem na!! (Ndi pa ko ready)

2004-11-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

Last sem na to bago ko mag fourth year!!! Ga-garaduate na ko next next year (sana lang po)..

our grades are supposed to be sent to our parents every year, pero hindi sya natutupad, Ok lang sa kin un.. Nakakainis, kasi ngaun isesend na talaga nila.. as in humingi na sila ng envelope na may stamp at ndi ka makaka-enroll kung wala ka nun!! Bat ngaun pa?! Kung kelan may 3 at 2.5 ako, in short mababa grades ko this sem!!! sheyet

Bat ba ko sa Manila nag-aaral, e mas may buhay pa ata sa Diliman.. Lahat ng essential factors sa buhay ko ay asa Diliman na ata.. Essential factors as in friends, special person/s?! at most specially professors.. Andyan si Winnie Monsod, si Alex Magno atpb.. not to mention ang karamihan ng professors ko sa Manila ay unavailable dahil nasa Diliman sila at nagtuturo, kaya sabog sabog ung sched ko.. At this sem, tama bang may pasok ako Monday to Saturday?! Bye life… Ndi pwede I-argue na “dagdag allowance din un”, kasi dumagdag din ung araw ng pasok ko at dagdag gastos un, makakacancel out lang ung additional money.. Sad!

Katulad ng previous 3 semesters, wala pa kong notebook(isa na nga lang gaimt ko e, minsan di pa ntbk.. Filler!!), at kahit ballpen.. Pero may bag na ko, wala pa nga lang ilalagay na critical sa student life ko. Hehe,,

FRUSTRATED: Why is he ONE of THEM again?!

2004-11-04T04:35:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to discriminate or degrade the “them” that I’m pertaining to in the title, pa-effect lang yan..

Its ok if you got ”fooled” once by their looks and charms but it’s a different thing when you got hit thrice! Yep tatlong beses na po.. There’s something about gay men that makes me notice them, not your ordinary “out” gay men, but specifically closet gays.. I think I have the “power” to point them out in a crowd.. Kahit anong hirap nilang itago ang pink aura nila, they seem to stand out para sa kin.. I am the living gauge of closet gays in school.. They would ask me if I like this particular guy, if I said no then he’s safe but if I said yes then he’s one of them and off they (my friends) go to our eternal panghihinayang.. They trust my instinct on closet gays, but im still hoping that its not as reliable as they are claiming it to be.. I don't want to forever be attracted to closet gays.. Ok fine, most of them are bisexuals (who had or have boyfriends), I don't think I can be in a relationship knowing that my boyfriend once had a boyfriend of his own.. The question of assurance will come into play, is he a straight guy na b tlaga or may tendency pa rin.. Sino pagseselosan mo? Babae or lalaki? Ndi naman maiiwasan ung pagseselos e…

I wont go sa details kasi those are really long stories.. The first time guy/gay is now straight but what the heck, he still had his moment.. The second guy was the most frustrating of all, it took me a year to see it. Hanggang ngaun ako pa lang may alam (and 2 of my closest friends, hehe), at siya mismo ang nagsabi sa kin, as in he called me one night just to tell me that he’s confused! He doesn’t know what to do and he’s asking me for help, utang na loob ha!! Nice experience b?! The third, after the second time, I learned to ask questions and I got my answers (at least wala pa kong/kaming na iinvest unlike the second one and I didn’t have to wait a year para magulat).. yep, three times! And still counting pa ata.. Sometimes ayaw ko na.. My close college friends are teasing me that the reason why I don't like my current suitor (yes meron akong manliligaw), is because he’s a straight guy.. Tama ba un?!

Do you know the usual line that girls use if they cant have their prospects? Ung “Sana bakla na lang siya” line? Ndi na nga sya nag-aaply sa kin e.. Basta mahirap!! And ndi ko alam kung bakit natataon na the guys I like turn out to be “one of them”..

Its funny, my friend told me that this particular guy has a boyfriend. I don't know if it was a warning but normally, you would expect that if you told a friend that kind of information, its almost impossible for her to be attracted to that gay guy, but no! in my case, I liked him, I DON'T KNOW WHY! Promise! He didn’t look gay, he even looked like a varsity player.. Maybe that’s what I like about closet gays, they can look like a man but they are in touch with their feminine side.. Ung tipong kaya manglambing at hindi pa macho effect always.. Ay ewan.. I told my blockmate that maybe I was meant to be a tomboy (joke lang un ha, sa sobrang frustration un, lalake gusto ko noh!), he told me na hindi pa rin magcocomplement ang gay guys at tomboy.. Promise frustration is getting into my nerves..

Sometimes I don't want to believe in bisexuals, do they really exist? Or is it just gay people trying to find an excuse to somehow still be accepted in society? Para bang scapegoat na may chance pa naman sila e, “normal naman ako”.. Trend lang ba siya? Cool ka pag may ka relationship kang same gender as you? Confrontation that leads to someone changing their gender preferences? (you can always say no naman) Is it just out of curiosity? Tired of failing in opposite gender relationships? I don't know.. Either you’re a straight guy/girl or you’re (straight)gay…

Hey I don't hate gays, I love being with them, they’re fun.. I just don't like gays(bisexuals) who use girls to cover up their true color.. Flirt and go as far as manligaw just to hide their confused identity.. Yes confused sila pero its better ata na they solve or hide their confusion sa sarili nila without dragging other people. Ewan..

But there can be EXCEPTIONS in everything naman db?! Baka there’s a person out there na worth all the sacrificices, adjustments and effort? That is, if me being attracted to bisexuals is really inevitable Hehe, disclaimer..

What’s wrong with Miriam?

2004-11-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

Ok she’s back from outerspace.. For the past 2 days, she’s been in the news again.. Don't get me wrong there are times that I like/liked Miriam Santiago.. An advocate for truth, until she sided with erap because of political reasons (bka dhil hindi na sya pinapansin ng powerful people in Philippine politics). Its like she knows what she’s doing and its as if she can never fail you as a “stateswoman”.. Pero un din ung weakness nya, she’s so confident sa kakayahan nya na medyo sumosobra at annoying na sya, to the point na nagmumukha na rin syang baliw..

Most parents out there like her.. Maybe when we were still babies, she did something really good for this country and our parents continue to admire her for that.. My mom voted for her, my uncles and aunties did too.. I did too, simply because I trust my mom’s choice(and as a first time voter,may ginaya ko sa senatorial slate ng mama ko), and maybe she deserves another chance in politics.. Maybe she can strike that balance in the senate, maybe she can have a better chance of passing more valuable laws/bills than the other candidates and incumbents in that upper house.. And when she won, I expected her to light up the fire in the senate, and in the best way she knows, TALK TALK and TALK like a dictator.. Her quotable quotes, her threats (or jokes) like that of jumping out of an airplane without a parachute statement (who can forget about that, everyone was waiting for that plane to pick her up and throw her in mid air). What’s a privilege speech for if you don't push it to the limit, what’s immunity for?! She uses freedom of expression the most in the senate or in any public office.. Wala talaga sying tigil..

Currently she’s pointing at UP as the sole reason why his son died.. Link pls?! I don't know the link, his son passed the LAE, his average was ok for the UP law but he was not accepted in the interview simply because he’s Miriam’s son.. So he got in Ateneo law.. He felt pressured that he cant level with his mom’s achievements because he didn’t get into UP law and he was confused why his family background played an important role in his rejection at UP.. so on and so forth, blah blah, then he commited suicide.. Now Miriam is blaming UP and is not allowing UP to get additional funds unless his son’s case is explained.. What bothered me was she wanted an explanation why the children of politicians were not treated properly in UP, does she want special treatment for politicians? Nawawalan na ata ako ng gana sa kanya.. Then she blatantly said na how dare UP ask for additional funds when UP killed her son.. She should look at herself first before pointing her finger.. First of all, she is attacking the university that she studied and taught in. Second, she is against the admission process of UP college of Law, the additional budget of UP does not go to that college alone. UP has a lot of systems, a lot of colleges that need support.. It is too selfish for her to bar the request because of personal grievances when the iskolar ng bayan needs MONEY. For all I know College of Law can stand on its own (with its rich powerful alumni), she is attacking the wrong means to straighten her own problem.. Pano na budget natin, ayaw nya dagdagan dhil sa galit nya sa college of law dhil ndi tinanggap ung anak nya? Unfair! I don't want to criticize her parenting skills, because I don't know anything in that arena pero common knowledge naman siguro na if you have raised your son well enough, taught him how to properly handle pressure or had a good relationship with him etc. he wont think about taking his own life.. Ewan

I sympathize with her.. Pero it is better siguro if she would delineate work from personal matters..Yes, she wants to straighten the system in the College of Law (sino bang may ayaw nun?) pero dapat she knows how to attack the problem at ndi nya iipitin ung something na makakaapekto sa maraming wala namang kinalaman.. She can still be a good stateswoman (she was, before erap came into the picture), she still has 6 years to prove na I did not waste my vote.. (lumabas ang pagka tibak ko)

Simple Title: FIRST FORMAL ENTRY

2004-11-03T17:15:00.000-08:00

Blogs are about life and the writer db? I’ll start with me muna tapos link it with life.. hehe (self-centered person!!!!)J

I wanted to write in another “blog”-type site—tabulas—but I realized that most of my college friends are on that site, there’s NO WAY im letting them read my entries..(unless ma discover nila to). So sana secret lang natin to.. hehe

Why eternal emptiness? Honestly I got confused while I was setting up this blog account, they were asking for so many names, I didn’t know which will appear on the page and what will be the title of the blog.. I like the word eternity, I just like it.. Eternal Emptiness, because that’s what I am feeling right now.. For the past few months I have not been able to grasp the things that has happened.. (You’ll get to patch things up as I post my blogs, but as a teaser or sort of a summary, All guys that I liked turned out to be closet gays..) yes, gays! Shame db?! what affected me a lot was this one specific guy whom I almost fell in love with, if not fallen in love with, who wants the best of both worlds pala (bi sya).. (hehe, ndi ako sanay na gamitin ung love na word).. I think this topic is just too serious for a first entry.. So lets change topic..

Since everything starts with an introduction, I’ll introduce myself in a “different” J manner.. I’m 19, and in 5 months I’ll be experiencing the pre-20 syndrome.. I’ll turn 20 in April.. Goodbye to teenage life, hello responsibility.. Responsibility, I don’t like that word.. I mean I’m responsible enough for my age but the problem is that turning 20 (twenty, without the n sound in other teen ages like 19) means people expect you to act MORE responsibly.. Shucks.. am I making a big deal out of it? (C rj ganyan din e, nahawa lang ako). Anyway, I like the color blue, polar and panda bears (I like bears in general), tigers, vanilla ice cream (ung sa sundae ng mcdo w/o the fudge), glow in the dark, stargazing and I would like to go to France, Italy and Israel hehe.. AHHHHH, almost 20 years of existence.. what have I done?! Honestly, im not satisfied with what I have accomplished (if I had accomplished anything, is studying in a science HS and now, in a premier university considered an accomplishment?!). Is “me” enough to endure life’s challenges, have I explored what life has to offer? (serious questions pero ndi ko alam answers e). Last Thursday night my close friend invited me and some of his friends (college and HS) for a night-out in Malate.. Me in Malate?!? Me not at home?! Ok fine, I stay out even after 10pm but its for a school thingy , debate thingy to be exact.. Not out on a gimik but out on training.. See the difference? It was my first time to go out, dance and drink with friends, I had the chance to go out twice before but it was with my cousins, in short secured pa rin ang lola mo.. I cant even drink when im with them, “baby ka pa, ndi pwede”.. So I don't drink.. I was not myself that whole week.. First of all who is “me”? I’m shy, quiet, I don't have any drop of aggressiveness in my body, I’ll just stare at people that I don't know and let them melt if they are not interesting enough.. yep, I can be pathetic sometimes.. You can say that I\m your average “conservative” girl but with a little humor/kakalogan.. That whole week was the nationals (for debate), a lot of schools = a lot of same aged college students, a chance to meet new friends.. My friend told me that there was no room for non-aggressive people in debate and so I tried to assert myself; socialize here and there, meet new people and sometimes flirt with them.. (joke lang ung flirting part..) I even had the guts to approach a former (Hs) schoolmate who was a year older just to shake his hand (na starstruck ako sa kanya in fairness).. Nice ang feeling!!! Introducing myself and shaking hands were never part of “me”, that was a huge step.. I got home late everyday for that whole week and I spent my mornings and afternoons debating and badgering as compared to my normal days of watching tv and sleeping.. Tapos on that Thursday night, I felt “free” but at the same time, I felt that I was not myself.. I was dancing and drinking like what all of them were doing.. After that, I didn’t know If I was to continue on being the new aggressive person I was or will I go back to my simple-shy self.. After all, debate is over and I don't have to worry about my old me because it had worked for the past years.. Mas comfortable ako sa routine life ko.. And after that night, I knew that I haven’t explored what life can offer.. Maybe I should stick with the old me but retain the little aggression I have learned to discover life pa (minus the drinking and dancing, mga once in 6 months lang un..hehe).. It wont hurt naman ata e..

That’s who I am, someone who is currently evolving and adjusting to find the right combination of who I really am.. note: sana mawala na ung hang-over ko, it’s a special kind of hang-over..hehe.. Bitin tong entry kasi inaantok nanaman ako.. Sakit na ata to..